Peaking Intensive Chemo

Brett was admitted back to hospital last Wednesday.
Today is Sunday and we can see no sign of release for him.
His blood count has crashed due to the intensive chemotherapy.

To anyone who understands; 
HB 8.4 (you have a blood transfusion at 8 so he probably will tomorrow, 
White cell count 0.01, neutrophils 0 - no immune system exists!

But weirdly enough platelets 150, which is in average range, this is because Brett has been bleeding and the Dr has ordered platelet transfusions twice a day for 3 days.

Brett has mucisitus which means the lining of the mouth and throat has been burnt off by the chemo (we've seen this before) but this time it appears that it has continued throughout his body, all the way through, hence the blood in his urine - well LOTS of blood actually.

I haven't blogged before because I have been very tired even though my husband and I take turns staying each night.
I haven't been able to do much even on my nights off at home. Just ironing cleaning - the bare essentials to enable me to get organised for the next days hospital 'shift'.

Brett has been grouchy - I know ....'No Shit Sherlock' your probably thinking....
I would be evil if I were in his shoes, but I'm not even tired because of that.

I think it is just a very intensive hard road we're on.
And a very frightening one too 
and sometimes, just sometimes, being brave all the time becomes a little too much....Its so tiring.

I don't want to be brave
I don't want to put on a permanent smile.
I want to scream "Its not fucking OK....this is not alright....This is Bollocks..."

But I don't, I can't .....So I just go quiet and put all my energy into basic survival mode.

"Smile at the Dr and say Hello Sarah."      my mind says to me.
why ? when I would like to punch him?     comes the reply
"Because that's not etiquette"                 what a shame.

xxx