I need soothing

Tomorrow we are back at BCH to have a bone marrow and lumbar puncture and to find out if there is a bed for Brett to be admitted to start more chemo.
We were phoned today to tell us there is no bed today and to pack for hospital tomorrow but there are no guarantees of a bed.

Brett is in a complete grump about it. 
Well bloody Norna,  who could blame him?
4 years of chemo, meds, surgical procedures which all basically incorporate  just pain.
I try and be positive, upbeat and perky but mostly he looks at me with murder in his eyes and the statement I am starting to despise 
'that's all easy for you to say, you only get to watch'

I try the comedic approach
"Come on Brett perk up - come and get some more lovely poison, tally ho old bean, chops away." 
I cannot print his response...

I am feeling uck, he is going to get three more weeks of torture before the whole bone marrow transplant torture begins.(hopefully)
I may only watch but I hurt too.

I would rather be having the treatment, 'Let it be me not him!!!'
I tried appealing to the Gods 4 years ago but they didn't listen though.
I would rather have my toe and finger nails pulled out than to sit and watch helplessly as my child suffers, again.

Words cant describe just how bad I am feeling, although other cancer mums get it, they know.

I am leaving now to drink wine, lots if it, whilst I pack for the faint chance of going into hospital tomorrow.

I need a hug.x